Scheiße, Be Mine.
I run my life and you may either choose to be a part of it or you may choose to stand by and watch me live it but you may not tell me how to run it.
Aric L|18|Viet & an eighth Chinese|408 Bay Area|MHS Class of 12|UCI Class of 16|Licensed|Unavailable|
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A few days ago would have been our one year. And I then I begin to reflect on all the times we had, even though they were limited. You always made me smile. Waking up to your messages each day. You alone showed me the potential of a real relationship and gave me hope. Even with all our restrictions, our love was never restricted. You taught me so many things and I have so many things to thank you for. Our break up hurt, yes, but if it hadn’t, then that would mean you meant nothing to me. Also, if we hadn’t, we would not have stumbled upon these new opportunities that could prove to be better than what we had. I’m glad that you found somebody new that could treat you right and provide you with all of the things that weren’t possible for me. And I’m also glad that I have found somebody new that could love me and make me feel special, and provide me with the things that wasn’t possible for you to provide. You gave me hope that people out there really do care about me and will try to make anything happen. We weren’t meant to be, but I’m glad we tried because it was a blast and I learned so much. You will always be a great friend to me and we will never be awkward exes.
It’s been a year since my parents’ fighting met its peak. It’s been a year since any plans of divorce were proposed. I remember it so vividly. I believe this was the same day as Trojan Olympics 2011. It was a great battle rally, and I had so much fun. When my mom came to pick me up, I noticed something had gone wrong. She was on her phone desperately trying to reach someone with a more-than-concerned look on her face. She told me to get in the car as she dialed somebody up. When she came back, she had told me that my father placed a tracking device in our car and had found out where she’d been going. She said he was leaving to Vietnam the very next day — that whatever they had was over. Well, he wouldn’t leave for another 5 months. And in between those months, my dad tried desperately to mend the wounds of their relationship but the damage was beyond repair. And finally, the fateful day came the very last day of July. It’s a scar that still hurts to this very day. But to be honest, I’m glad it’s over. I’m glad all the fighting is over. I’ve lived through the shipwreck, escaped the sinking, and swam to shore. My real journey begins now. On my own, without my crew. I’m still learning to weather the occasional storm, but I know I’m going to make it through because the worst has truly passed. I miss you so much, Dad.
It’s been nearly a year since my life was completely changed. Just last year, I remember what I was getting myself into. Such new experiences and possibilities. I honestly never experienced anything like it before. One person. One single person, changed my life in a matter of minutes. I’d never felt anything like it before up until that point. At least I never expected to. But it was a great feeling. Though it didn’t last very long, it left a huge impact on my life and I’ve never been the same again. I can say that it’s made me better. Last Chinese New Year, when everything was fine. When everything was normal. But I guess that’s just how life works. Things fall apart so better things can fall in place. I really cannot account for this massive feeling of bitter resentment toward you, because you meant so much to me. I can hardly believe how amazing I felt and it really reflects in my posts, looking back through my archive this time around last year. Too bad you ended up leaving. Wait, no, thank God you did. Because if you didn’t, I wouldn’t have found someone better. Fuck you, and thank you very much. Happy Chinese New Year.
I really need to watch who I let into my life. Some people are just so sneaky and get through to me the moment I let my guard down. It’s just so hard to because I’m such an open person. I’m so easily convinced by the mere words that make my heart flutter. So what happens then? Well when that happens, I’m pretty much blind from there on. Inattentive blindness. I simply just can’t see the damage you’re causing me. Or perhaps it’s selective attention? Perhaps I’m aware of what you’re capable of, but I choose to look aside and lie to myself. Because I truly believe what we have is worth it. I’m always telling myself that I won’t be so easy to break into. But every now and then, I lose sight of my precautions. I let my guard down. You come in, ransack all I have, and leave me with this feeling of betrayal and heartbreak. This year, I’m done with that. I won’t let someone with the potential of such harm get so close to me. I will not be knocked down on my face again. So go ahead and leave me. I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior standing on my own two feet.
