Scheiße, Be Mine.

I just want to spend time with you. I miss you so much and I feel like we’re drifting apart each day. I try my best to bring back what we had. Or make better of what we still have. But I won’t be successful if you don’t feel the same. And really, that’s all I need to know. Is if you still feel the same way about us. Like I do. Please be honest with me. The longer you wait to figure out if you truly want us, the harder it will be for me to recover if we end up not working out. I love you so much and I can’t help that I feel this way. I just miss you, okay? I miss all those times we had. I’m really hoping we can go back to that soon. But I digress, if feelings have faded, please tell me. I won’t be mad or offended. Perhaps hurt that I wasn’t what you were looking for, but I’m understanding. I’ll come around to accepting that we just weren’t meant to to be. However, at this moment, I still believe in us and I want us to happen. I want us to work things out. You make me so happy and I want to make you just as happy. And for some time, I believed that I did. I hope that I still can. Because you mean the world to me. I’m ready to settle down into a real, serious relationship. No more short flings. Leave that stupid high school hook up thing behind. I want you and only you. But if you feel otherwise, please just tell me. I’ve come to understand that I won’t always be desirable. I’m just doing my best to make you happy. 

So all of that’s over. The fun phase. We rarely talk nowadays. And when we do, it seems so different. As if we’re just two people who don’t have much an association with each other. I really don’t know what to make of this. I want to believe that we’re settling down and getting serious about things, but it all seems to be happening so early. Did we go into this too fast? Have you lost interest already? The problem with me is that I always seem to bore the people who pique interest in me. And they move on from me pretty quickly. Rarely do they come back and tell me they regret it. But yeah, it happens. But I’m smart enough to know that I’m not about to replay a relationship that the other person gave up on. Drop me once and I’m gone. But when you have me, I really want to make something out of us and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I just wish I wasn’t feeling this way. 

I keep having this recurring dream in which I’m living in the past. Before things became the way they are today. Before my dad left. Those days which are now just a blurry memory. In this dream, all of my dad’s possessions just vanish into thin air and current objects take their place. I turn around and every thing is gone. They’re all packed into luggages and bags. Some into disposal bins. And then comes the big leave. The door that shuts all that we’ve ever had together away. To know that I will never be able to have that again. I find myself breaking down against the door. Pounding at it. Begging for him to come home. Giving up everything just to have our family back. Then I wake up. It’s so real that I’m actually in tears when I’m awake. It’s horrible. And I know it will never leave me. Especially now that it’s been nearly a year since that very day. Especially now that my graduation is in three weeks. No holiday this year has been the same. Not even my birthday felt right. Not without him. I will never fully recover from this loss but I’m fighting every day to smile for my dad. I promised I’d be strong. I promised I’d move on and live my life. You only live once and all good things come to an end. 

Things feel different with us. I can tell you that my feelings for you are still strong and that I haven’t lost any yet. But I feel like you don’t feel the same. Our conversations aren’t the same anymore. I try to bring it back to what it used to be but it doesn’t seem to work. Are you losing feelings for me? I’d like to know so I don’t fall so far. So I can get myself out of this if you don’t want this anymore. But me? I still want this. There wasn’t a minute where I wanted to get out of it. I’m willing to put up with everything we go through. I just can’t hep but feel like we’re drifting. I love you so much, I’m sorry that I feel this way. I’m not saying you can’t leave. Because you can if it makes you happy. But of course I don’t want you to leave. If you’re still happy with us, of course. Every time we get into a fight, you always bring up how this is the only thing we ever are. The “bad”. And I just recently let that sink into me. Because I see the good in us too. But if you no longer see that, then I ask that you tell me so we can talk things out. Would it mean that this would end? If you truly believe we should, then yes. I just want you to be happy. 

So many things are bothering me. Grad night is tomorrow and I’m feeling bittersweet about it. Eight hours on a bus to Six Flags Magic Mountain. And it won’t even be with the person I want to be with. Graduation is in 3 weeks or so. I can’t walk. I refuse to. I will not be able to stand the sight of my dad sitting 10 miles away from my mom. Separate families. I just can’t do it. And recently, I feel like things are different between us. I’m reading back at our old texts. Our conversations seemed so much happier. We seemed a lot happier. But now I feel like all we do most of the time I’m with you is fight. I don’t like it. I want to go back to that period where we were nothing but happy. But I guess it’s that honeymoon phase that everybody grows out of. I still love you. I just miss those times we had when you’d text me at the most random times just to tell me you missed me, or that you loved me. Our good morning texts. Just, everything seemed so perfect. Now I feel like you get irritated by the smallest things I say. I can’t joke around you as much anymore. I’m not saying that I don’t like what we have now. Because you’re more than enough. And I’m blessed to have you. I just really miss how things used to be, but I understand that flames die down. I just can’t help but feel like I’m becoming more and more insignificant with each passing day. That’s my problem. Perhaps everything seems fine to you. And I hope that it does. Because I’m hoping to fix this issue on my part. 

Pre-school - 2nd grade: you stayed home and helped me get ready for school. You came home late into the night when I was already fast asleep. I looked forward to seeing you every morning.

3rd - 4th grade: you left early for work but came home earlier in the day. I dreaded seeing you so early into the afternoon and couldn’t stand you.

5th - 6th grade: you were laid off and spent your days at home. I felt as if it was an invasion of my privacy and spent most of my time away from you.

7th - 9th grade: you got a job again and had an early shift, as usual. Came home around the afternoon time. I didn’t pay much attention to you though you always tried to rekindle our relationship. I graduate 8th grade and you and mom receive me with open arms and wide smiles.

10th-11th grade: your shifts made you stay at work longer and you came home around dinner time. I would shower early so I wouldn’t have to wait for you to finish showering. I also hated how you had the bathroom as I woke up every morning. I hated how you woke me up 5 minutes earlier than my alarm clock was set. I hated how you didn’t leave the house as quickly as I’d hoped you would while I ate breakfast. I hated having to say bye to you, even though you’d make sure to do it before you left.

11th grade - pre 12th grade summer: you and mom start fighting. i find myself split between you two. i’m starting to fear that i will lose one of you. i’m starting to fear that i will lose all the times we have, as little as that is. i start realizing how much you’re working just for us. i’m shivering in bed from every argument you have with mom late into the night. i pray to God you’re safe when you drive off after a fight with mom. You take me to meet my first tumblr crush and I take it for granted.

Summer - now: I realized how much of a loss you were. I venture into your vacant room at night and cry on the floor begging for you to come back. I sit at the dinner table, in my old seat across from yours. Where I waited for you to come home for dinner. I’m waiting for you to walk through that door and sit down and eat with me. I’m begging for you to. I wake up every morning wishing you were in the bathroom. I go to sleep hoping you’ll wake me up 5 minutes before my alarm clock. I sit alone at breakfast staring at the front door replaying and regretting all the times you said good bye to me and I never made much an effort to return the favor. And now I sit here mourning over your departure, begging for you to come home. Mom is moving after I go to college. These will be the last few months I spend in the house. And each day, I replay every single memory I had with you here. Graduation will come and you will be hiding from mom far across her bleacher. 

I’m so fucking sorry and I fucking miss you so much, Dad.

I can never really trust a person who falls for me. Do you really like me? Or do you like what you think you can make me into? Fall for who I am and all that I am, please. It hurts me so much when I begin feeling like I have to change just to keep you in my life. I don’t want to change for anybody. Don’t fall for the potential I have to become someone I’m not. Because I guarantee you it won’t work out. It makes me feel like I can’t be myself around you. I have to keep my guard up. I have to choose the right words to say. I can’t say just anything. I can’t do just anything. And all I want is to be able to feel like I can trust you enough to do anything around you. Because I love you and I put up with anything you do. I don’t hate a single thing about you. Nor do I hate any habits you possibly have. Sure, there are things you put me through that aren’t the most pleasant experiences, but I’m willing to fight through it because I know that I love you in the end for who you are and I’m willing to accept you for all that you are. I wish you felt the same.

There’s way too much shit going on in my head. I can’t even find a place to begin. I’m literally on the verge of insanity at this point. I can’t fucking take all of this stress and workload anymore. It’s too much. And this is just one of the several things that bother me. I just don’t want to exist anymore. Keeping up with reality is becoming harder and harder to do. I can’t stand it any longer. I’ve been trying so hard to tend to somebody else in their time of need, that I’ve totally neglected myself. It’s building up. I don’t know who I am anymore. What the fuck have I become? And why do I feel this way? I don’t want to. I’m not supposed to. But I do, and I can’t help it. 

It’s just one of those nights where I’ve thought a little too far out of safe boundaries. Leaving me alone at this time is rather dangerous. That’s when my mind begins to wander. All the pain floods out with a burning passion. Every little thing finds its way into my head to fuck with me. If theres any time that I’m extremely vulnerable, it would be during this hour. I can admit that I’m not okay, but by the morning I will be. I have to be. Only when I’m alone do I allow these feelings to come out. When no one else is around to feel its lash. Perhaps this is a safe way to vent everything that’s been bottled up inside. Either way, by the morning, it will pass. I’m not faking happiness, I’m simply ignoring what hurts, appreciating what feels good, and letting out the pain later. I’m not perfect.

As much as I hate to admit this, I miss you a shitload. I wanna hit you up and just have things go back to the way they were. I want us to be happy again knowing we have each other. Knowing you belong to no one else. But I know that if I do, the feelings will be false once again. Because it’s what I want. I’ll develop another false sense of security. You fucked me up good but I know that it takes just one sweet word for me to fall for you all over again. But this time, I won’t be stupid. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I’m doing what’s best for me; I’m taking the measures to guard my heart better than before. If you want to change this, you make the move. Show that you care. Actions speak louder than words. And action will be the only thing that’ll convince me over again. I just want to know you care. And if not, then I’ll wait. I’ll wait until the drift pulls us so far apart, until time eats away at whatever is left of you in my heart, until I’m strong enough to say no. Until I’m strong enough to realize I don’t need you.

When someone is your utmost priority and you want nobody else but them. When they’re the first thing on your mind in the morning, and the last at night. When you meet them in your dreams. You’ve fallen so fucking hard for them, and for a while, you thought they’d felt the same. Words so convincing to lure you in a home they promised to stay. But in the end, you’re alone again. I don’t want to be an object of mere interest. I want to be more. Was I only interesting until you managed to wrap your fingers around me? Am I not worth keeping? Why does this always happen to me. Why do people stop trying after they have me? I guess some of us just don’t outgrow the tendency to bore of the toys we once so longed for. 

Relationships become trial and error. And they’re not supposed to be. I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I’ve come to the realization that I’m always the one who still keeps the expectations from day one. I’ve noticed that as I progress through a relationship, the other side stops expecting things from me and expects me to do the same. So each day, those expectations are lowered until we become nearly nothing. I don’t want to be dependent. I want to be fine with just myself. But in a relationship, does that necessarily mean I have to drop all hopes of ever having what we had at the start? I don’t know anymore.

I miss being the young, independent child who never needed a relationship to survive. I consider myself independent but how does that even work in a relationship? Do we just hold so dearly to our independence until we become nothing? That’s what it looks like to me. I hate having to worry about whether or not you want me as much as I want you. I miss only having a family to worry about and love. I miss not giving a single fuck about anybody else but myself. That was true independence. When did I wake up all of a sudden one morning and establish that I’m going to make everybody else happy? That I needed to devote myself to someone else and please them just to be happy? Fuck hormones. I don’t know what to do anymore.